Ghosting: What It Is, Why It Hurts, and How to Cope

Imagine the situation: you meet an interesting person, spend time together, feel emotional closeness. Everything is going great until one day this person disappears from your life without a trace. No calls, messages, or explanations — they simply vanish into thin air, like a ghost. You start replaying your last meetings in your mind, analyzing every word, trying to understand what went wrong. Later you find out that everything is fine with your acquaintance — they just no longer want to communicate. This phenomenon is called ghosting, and in the digital age it is becoming an increasingly common way to end relationships.

Definition of ghosting

The term ghosting comes from the English word ghost. The essence of the phenomenon is reflected in the name itself: a person disappears from another’s life as suddenly and without a trace as a ghost appears and vanishes. Of course, people ended relationships in the past as well, throughout human history. Different cultures had their own expressions for sudden disappearance: in Europe they said “went out for cigarettes and never came back,” “went to war and went missing,” “moved to another city and got lost.” However, modern ghosting has a fundamental difference — it is a conscious choice, not a forced circumstance. Perhaps this is why English-speaking culture, which gave the world the internet, social networks, and messengers, coined a term for the intentional disappearance from someone’s life. Digital technologies have made communication instant and accessible, but at the same time they have simplified the process of cutting off contact — it is enough to press the “block” button or simply stop replying to messages.

The psychology of ghosting

Forms of manifestation

Ghosting takes various forms depending on the personality of the person who practices it. Some people disappear abruptly and permanently, blocking the interlocutor on all social networks and messengers, removing them from friends, and making their profiles inaccessible. Others choose gradual distancing: they start replying with delays, write briefly and formally, refer to being busy and lacking time, and then quietly stop communicating altogether.

Consequences for the victim

A person who encounters ghosting experiences a whole range of negative emotions. The suddenness of what is happening becomes a source of serious psychological discomfort. The lack of explanations gives rise to painful doubts: the victim of ghosting begins to look for reasons in their own behavior, analyze every conversation and every action, trying to understand what exactly led to such an outcome. The abandoned person’s self-esteem suffers significantly. Obsessive thoughts arise about one’s own unattractiveness, uselessness, or inadequacy. Feelings of guilt are intensified precisely because of the absence of concrete reasons — a person starts inventing explanations on their own, and these explanations are rarely positive. Even if in reality the reason for the disappearance has nothing to do with the victim’s qualities, the inner dialogue inevitably leads to self-blame. As a result, the abandoned person may form a stable belief that they are unworthy of others’ attention. This false belief can affect all subsequent relationships and significantly reduce quality of life.

The psychology of the “ghost”

Even more alarming is the situation within the psyche of the ghoster — a person who is capable of disappearing from someone’s life without explanations and without feeling remorse. Historically, such behavior has always been perceived negatively. In different European languages there are expressions describing a sudden departure: in France and Eastern Europe they say “to leave in the English way,” in Latin America — “in the French way,” in Canada — “like savages,” in Poland — “to do the Dutchman.” The negative connotation common to all these idioms indicates that such behavior was traditionally attributed to outsiders or even enemies — people from whom one could expect disregard for norms of politeness and respect.

Statistics of the phenomenon

Modern research shows the scale of ghosting’s prevalence. According to the dating app Badoo, about 67% of single people suffer from this phenomenon, with most victims belonging to the millennial generation. At the same time, 47% of respondents admitted that they themselves had practiced ghosting, most often because they met a more interesting person. A study by researchers from the University of Western Ontario in Canada, conducted in 2018, revealed even more impressive figures: up to 65% of respondents had been “ghosts” at least once in their lives, and 72% admitted that they had been victims of ghosting.

Types of ghosting

Western experts identify several specific types of ghosting, each with its own characteristic features:

Cloaking (masking)

This term was introduced by journalist Rachel Thompson from Mashable. With cloaking, the “ghost” not only stops responding but also actively prevents any attempts to contact them. They block the victim on all social networks, messengers, applications, and other communication channels. The goal is to completely eliminate the possibility of contact. However, resourceful victims have learned to bypass this defense, for example by sending small money transfers through banking apps with accompanying messages.

Caspering

The name refers to the kind cartoon ghost Casper, although in reality this type of ghosting has nothing to do with kindness. A person suddenly changes their manner of communication: where there used to be warmth and interest, there appear monosyllabic replies, formality, or even rudeness. The interlocutor may suddenly ask for time to think or ignore messages altogether. Attempts to clarify the reasons for the changes are met with unconvincing excuses about problems at work or a difficult life period. Ultimately, such a person completely stops communicating.

Zombing (periodic ghosting)

This phenomenon is characterized by cyclicality: a person suddenly disappears for a long period (for example, six months), and then just as unexpectedly returns, behaving as if nothing happened. No apologies, explanations, or acknowledgment of guilt. If asked about the reasons for the disappearance, the “zombie” will refer to work, personal problems, or other circumstances without going into details. Such people are not interested in you as a person — they need something specific: money, connections, help, or simply fuel for their own ego. After getting what they want, the “zombie” will disappear again, and at the most inappropriate moment.

Orbiting

With orbiting, a person stops direct communication but continues to follow you on social networks. They view your stories, like photos, react to posts — that is, they remain in the “orbit” of your life without entering into direct contact. Such behavior creates a sense of incompleteness and can be especially painful for someone who hopes for the communication to resume.

Psychological portrait of the ghoster

Who are these people capable of suddenly disappearing from someone else’s life without explanations? Most Western psychologists agree that ghosting is rarely committed with a conscious intention to cause harm. Most often it happens because of an inability or unwillingness to build mature communication.

Typical personality traits

The psychological profile of a ghoster usually includes the following characteristics:

• Aggressiveness in communication
• Emotional immaturity
• Cowardice in the face of conflict
• Laziness in building dialogue
• Evasiveness and avoidance of directness
• Narcissistic traits
• Low self-esteem
• Inability to manage one’s own emotions
• Tendency toward intentional self-harm

Connection with personality disorders

Pilar Guerra Escudero, a Spanish psychologist specializing in addictions and behavioral disorders, notes that ghosting is increasingly associated with symptoms of personality disorders, especially narcissism and psychopathy. People who practice such behavior inflict serious psychological damage on others, effectively committing emotional abuse. An interdisciplinary study in 2021 found a connection between a tendency toward ghosting and the so-called “Dark Triad of personality”, which includes three traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. On paper these characteristics look frightening, but in real life their carriers often seem charming and attractive interlocutors. An important clarification: if you once ended a relationship in this way, it does not mean you have psychopathy or a narcissistic disorder. However, if ghosting becomes your habitual behavioral pattern, it is worth considering consulting a psychologist to develop skills in emotional regulation and building healthy interpersonal relationships.

The role of beliefs and values

An interesting study showed that among ghosters there are many people who believe in fate and its influence on relationships. As soon as they decide that a person is not right for them, they simply leave, believing that “it was not meant to be.” They believe that fate itself will connect them with the right partner. At the same time, people who believe that relationships are built on daily work, care, and mutual effort resort to ghosting much less often. For them, sudden disappearance without explanations contradicts the very nature of relationships as a process of joint creation.

Main reasons for ghosting

The motives that push people toward ghosting are diverse: Loss of interest. A person stops feeling a connection with the interlocutor and decides that they do not want to continue communication. However, lack of interest does not justify abandoning basic politeness and emotional responsibility. Fear and avoidance. The inability to manage one’s own feelings leads a person to choose escape instead of an honest conversation. This may be fear of commitment, fear of the depth of emerging relationships, or an inability to be sincere. Paradoxically, some people disappear out of fear of causing pain, not realizing that ghosting itself becomes the source of maximum pain. Self-protection. In toxic relationships where there is abuse or constant humiliation, ghosting can be the only safe way to break the connection. In such a situation, a sudden departure without explanations is not selfishness but a necessary measure of self-preservation. At the heart of most cases of ghosting lies an unresolved issue of emotional responsibility. Many people do not apply in their lives a basic ethical principle: do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you.

How to survive ghosting

The sudden breakup of significant relationships without explanations causes serious psychological discomfort. Why is it so painful?

• Ghosting is a form of emotional abuse, a blow to a person’s self-esteem
• It leads to emotional exhaustion accompanied by feelings of guilt
• It causes a sense of humiliation, disappointment, insecurity, and helplessness
• The victim feels like an object that is disposed of without regard for their will — psychologists call this “dehumanization”
• The brain works intensely trying to find an explanation but finds no answers, which increases stress
• In romantic relationships, the experience of a “broken heart” and the realization of an error in judging the person are added

Self-help strategies

To overcome the consequences of ghosting, psychologists recommend the following steps: Acknowledging the problem. Understanding the mechanism of ghosting and its nature helps reduce suffering. Knowing that there is an entire category of people prone to such behavior allows responsibility to be distributed correctly. Identifying the guilty party. Victims of ghosting tend to blame themselves and оправдывать агрессора. This logic must be reversed. It is important to understand the difference between guilt and responsibility: the aggressor is guilty of creating an unhealthy situation, while the victim is responsible for how to cope with the consequences and protect themselves in the future. Recognizing red flags. Most likely, even before the person disappeared, there were warning signs: ignoring, refusals, inconsistency in words and actions. It is important to learn to trust intuition and give it greater priority than rational justifications of questionable behavior. Preparing for a possible return. The “ghost” may return, and more than once. If they once realized that you are a trusting victim who will allow them to leave without consequences, they may repeat this trick. By the time of a possible return, it is important to learn how to set boundaries and protect yourself. Overcoming idealization. People tend to forget the bad and idealize the past. We long not for a real person, but for an image we created in our imagination. A useful exercise: make a detailed list of all dysfunctional manifestations in the “ghost’s” behavior. This will help to see reality without rose-colored glasses. Rejecting personalization. There is no need to look for excuses for cruel treatment or consider the situation unique. It is important to learn to set boundaries and understand that the problem is not you personally. The “gray rock” technique. If the “ghost” returns hoping for a reaction, the best strategy is a complete lack of emotional response. Do not show either positive or negative emotions. Avoiding contact with the manipulator becomes a protective shield. Self-care. After ghosting, it is especially important to direct energy not toward self-flagellation, but toward self-improvement. Sleeping more, exercising, swimming, yoga, or meditation, eating high-quality and varied food — all this reduces stress hormone levels and helps restore emotional balance. Acceptance of reality. Attempts to understand a psychopathic mindset are a dead end for a person with developed empathy. It is necessary to accept that there are people in the world with completely different values and ethical standards. The only reasonable decision is to stay away from them. Rejecting revenge. The desire for revenge is natural, but the best form of revenge is to forget about it. Focus on your own value system and positive qualities that distinguish you from people of dubious morality. Leaving a toxic person is an act of self-care and a form of self-respect. Support from loved ones. Conversations with friends and people you trust help get rid of pain and express conflicting feelings. Sincere dialogue is one of the most effective ways to overcome difficult situations.

Professional help

When it is not possible to cope with the consequences of ghosting on your own, it is worth consulting a psychologist. Sometimes victims of ghosting develop symptoms of depression or post-traumatic stress. A study by the University of Castilla–La Mancha showed that victims often experience ostracism — a combination of loneliness, helplessness, and depressive mood. Various therapeutic approaches are used to work with these conditions: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy focuses on personal well-being, working with values, setting new goals, and developing mindfulness. The patient learns to understand that they are not to blame for what happened, but must learn to live with this experience. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps cope with emotional pain, strengthens self-esteem, expands the toolkit for independently overcoming future difficulties, and promotes changes toward healthier behavior. Emotion-Focused Therapy is used to manage feelings of anger and shame and achieve emotional transformation. These methods help victims of ghosting shift the focus from surprise and resentment to building a new life free from suffering.

Conclusion

In childhood, many people like stories about ghosts — creatures that can fly through walls, appear and disappear at will. However, encountering a real “ghost” in relationships shows that such behavior causes pain. Such people do not keep their word, do not respect others’ feelings, and can disappear at any moment, taking with them trust, hopes, and sometimes material values. It is important for victims of ghosting to remember: “ghosts” in relationships are not quite ordinary people, although outwardly they are indistinguishable from others. Understanding this helps stop blaming oneself and justifying the aggressor. Is it possible to avoid meeting such a person? Hardly, since they are found everywhere. But it is possible to prepare and learn to cope with the consequences of such toxic contacts, while preserving one’s own mental health and faith in normal, healthy relationships.