Gaslighting: What It Is, How It Works, and How to Protect Yourself

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse, in which the manipulator systematically forces the victim to doubt their own sanity, memory, and perception of reality. The term originates from the title of Patrick Hamilton’s play “Gas Light” and its 1944 film adaptation starring Ingrid Bergman, where the heroine’s husband manipulates the lighting in the house and convinces his wife that what is happening is merely her imagination.

The mechanism of gaslighting and its danger

Unlike direct violence, gaslighting works gradually and imperceptibly. The manipulator uses sophisticated psychological techniques that step by step undermine the victim’s self-confidence. A person loses the ability to trust their own feelings and memories, becomes emotionally dependent on the gaslighter and their judgments. The consequences of such influence can be devastating for mental health. Victims experience increased anxiety, their self-esteem drops, and clinical depression develops. In particularly severe cases, gaslighting can provoke serious mental disorders, including depersonalization, derealization, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Characteristic signs of gaslighting

Typical phrases used by manipulators

Certain verbal markers help to recognize gaslighting. Manipulators regularly use devaluing formulations that may sound like care or a harmless joke: “You’re making it all up, that never happened” — a classic denial of events that occurred, forcing the victim to doubt their own memory. “Your reaction is inappropriate” or “You’re too sensitive” — devaluation of emotions, causing a person to stop understanding what they actually feel. “You imagined it” and “There’s been something wrong with you lately” — direct indications of the victim’s alleged inadequacy. “You made me do this” — shifting responsibility, after which the victim begins to consider themselves guilty of the manipulator’s actions.

Tactics of psychological pressure

Gaslighters use several core strategies of influence. They systematically deny obvious facts, creating in the victim a sense that their memory is unreliable. Manipulators attack the most vulnerable areas — appearance, intellectual abilities, professional qualities, relationships with loved ones. A characteristic technique is alternating criticism and praise. Yesterday the gaslighter showered the victim with reproaches, today they give compliments — such emotional swings deprive a person of a stable support. The manipulator gradually isolates the victim from friends and relatives, undermining the authority of people around them and gaining full control over their life.

Three stages of falling under influence

Psychoanalyst Robin Stern identifies three consecutive stages that a gaslighting victim goes through. At the first stage, a person notices oddities in their partner’s behavior but does not attach importance to them, considering them isolated incidents. They do not want to devalue the relationship and believe that this will not happen again. The second stage is characterized by growing doubts. The victim begins to question their own perception, but tries to resist the manipulator and convince them otherwise. At the third stage, a person fully accepts the abuser’s point of view. They sincerely believe in their own wrongness and guilt, and cannot distinguish manipulation from genuine care. The main goal becomes meeting the gaslighter’s expectations and gaining their approval.

Manifestations of gaslighting in different spheres

Manipulation in romantic relationships

In a couple, the gaslighter has maximum opportunities for control. The closeness of the relationship allows combining various manipulative tactics, gradually isolating the partner from the outside world. A husband may systematically claim that his wife forgets everything and does not remember promises, provoking feelings of guilt. He then uses this to manipulate her decisions on important issues.

Gaslighting in family and friendship

In friendships and family relationships, toxic statements under the guise of care are common. Parents may brush off a teenager’s worries or refuse to understand the feelings of an adult child. A friend regularly criticizes appearance under the pretext of concern for health: “No one else will tell you because they don’t care, but I tell you the truth because I love you.”

Manipulation in the workplace

In a professional environment, gaslighting manifests through denial, convincing someone of their inadequacy, and shifting responsibility. A manager gives a specific task, but when the idea fails, publicly states that no such instruction was given, accusing the employee of acting on their own initiative.

The psychological profile of the manipulator

Gaslighting is rarely fully conscious behavior. Most often it is used by people with narcissistic personality traits, who need constant confirmation of their own superiority. By belittling others, they gain the illusion of rising above them. Gaslighting serves as an unconscious tool of control for people who have experienced disruptions in parent-child relationships. A child who grew up with an emotionally cold mother develops defense mechanisms to keep close people nearby. Accumulated aggression that could not be expressed in childhood finds an outlet through manipulative behavior. People prone to gaslighting include those insecure in themselves, individuals with a need for power, those inclined to hypercontrol, as well as holders of a passive-aggressive personality type. In some cases, such behavior becomes a manifestation of mental disorders.

How to resist psychological manipulation

Restoring trust in yourself

The first and most important step is to identify gaslighting in a relationship. In the early stages this is easier; at the third stage, when dependence on the manipulator is total, significant effort is required. Recovery should begin with basic bodily sensations — acknowledging that you really are cold or hot, that hunger and fatigue are real. Gradually, this will restore the ability to understand your own desires and thoughts.

Establishing personal boundaries

It is necessary to become aware of physical and emotional boundaries and define unacceptable behavior. Boundaries become a point of stability — you need to learn to refuse what is unpleasant and insist on your own needs. When discomfort arises, you can leave the room or go for a walk, thereby establishing physical distance.

Expanding social connections

Turning to people who knew you before the relationship with the gaslighter helps to gain an objective external perspective. Abuse thrives in closed systems, so it is important to make the problem more open by involving a greater number of people. An outside opinion confirms the adequacy of your perception of reality and breaks isolation.

Behavior strategy with the manipulator

Avoid emotional involvement in arguments with the gaslighter. Attempts to provide arguments will only lead to accusations of hysteria and inadequacy. The best tactic is to calmly state the difference in views with a neutral phrase: “We see this differently, let’s discuss it.” In some cases, dialogue can help if the gaslighter is not aware of their destructive behavior. A calm conversation will show how much pain their words and actions cause. Sometimes couples therapy solves the problem — but only with the mutual desire of both partners.

Professional help

It is difficult to cope with the consequences of gaslighting — anxiety, fear, depression — on your own. Qualified psychological help allows you to regain reliance on your own strength. A therapist helps separate personal beliefs and perceptions from those imposed by the manipulator and develops tools for restoring self-trust. Help is available in the form of individual counseling, group therapy, or specialized crisis centers. Keeping an emotion diary helps track mood and reactions to events — any convenient format will do, from paper notebooks to mobile apps.

A radical solution to the problem

The most effective way to get rid of a gaslighter’s influence is complete cessation of contact. As long as the connection with the manipulator remains, you stay vulnerable to their influence, because they know which buttons to push. If the gaslighter is a family member or someone difficult to avoid, interaction should be minimized. It is important to remember that leaving a gaslighting partner may be unsafe under certain circumstances. In such cases, it is necessary to enlist the support of loved ones and, if needed, contact law enforcement. Recovery after gaslighting takes time. Surrounding yourself with loving people who value you becomes a crucial factor in healing. Allow loved ones to validate your reality while you gradually let go of constant self-doubt. Your inner voice never disappeared — it was merely drowned out by someone else’s opinion, and now you can make it stronger.